“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is connection.”
Addiction recovery is possible, and the importance and power of connection is evident.
A chilling thought occurred to me the other day: there was a time, near the end of my drinking career, that if some horrible circumstance were to befall me and I died suddenly, it would be a long, long time before anyone who knew me or loved me found out about it.
Complete Isolation
At that point, my aloneness was immense. I was not connected to anything good or true. I was a long way from where I came from, using a fake name, and would regularly disappear for weeks at a time. What’s more than that, even when I was with people I knew and loved, I could no longer connect with them. I couldn’t feel their love and couldn’t offer them mine.
When I began drinking, anonymity and oblivion were not my main objectives. They were strange byproducts of living in that distorted world of addiction, where slowly but surely we trade our values and our very selves to continue to pursue a life that oddly isn’t even working for us anyway.
When I began drinking, without knowing it, I was actually in search of the opposite of all of that: connection. My first experiences with alcohol and drugs were nearly spiritual experiences.
Suddenly, people who had once seemed intimidating and scary were friendly and welcoming. I felt free of the anxiety and crippling self-consciousness that had followed me through my teenage years. It was as if someone had flipped a light switch and the world was suddenly less hostile. I could dance. I felt part of this world and as if I actually belonged in it.
When Utopia Shifts Into Oblivion
The longer I drank and used drugs, the less frequently I found that feeling of togetherness. More and more, I found myself behaving badly and alienating people. Sometimes it was something I had done while drunk. Other times, my selfishness and lack of relationship skills drove people away. And when a relationship became even slightly difficult, I would leave. The longer I drank, the more disconnected I became.
I would sit mired in loneliness, longing for happy days gone by, but the way I knew to reach connection, drinking and using, had stopped working. When sober, I felt more uncomfortable and awkward than ever, now also burdened by shame and regret over what my life had become.
Finding Connection in Recovery
When I finally entered a 12-step fellowship, I was as isolated as a person could be. I felt deeply doubtful when I heard people say I would make lifelong friends and find connections that would serve as a lifeline. I remember thinking, who would want to be friends with these people anyway?
Many years later, I can honestly say I found what they promised and more. I have deeply satisfying friendships with people who survived the same shipwreck and understand me in ways few others could. More importantly, I regained my ability to connect. What had been missing for so long was the capacity to be present and available to the people around me.
I had been lost in a hell of my own making and could not get out, no matter how desperate my desire. I could not cross the bridge to genuine interest in how someone else was doing because I was consumed with how I was doing. I had very little to offer.
One day at a time, I found the fellowship, and in doing so, I found myself. I learned I could start very small. I practiced making polite conversation while washing coffee cups after meetings. I learned how to be a friend by showing up consistently and re-learning basic skills like trustworthiness, compassion, and humor.
A New Way of Living
After many years, I have come to see the fellowship as an unusual extended family. There is the quirky aunt or uncle, of course, but overall I feel surrounded by the loving arms of something big, good, and kind. Many times I have entered a meeting in despair only to find people laughing with joy, ease, and trust that everything will be okay.
One day, after losing my job, I walked up to a group of guys in my home group and told them the bad news. To my surprise, they broke out in applause. They remembered what I had forgotten: that somehow things work out, and if we stay connected, we can thrive no matter the storm. And we can do it joyfully.
Addiction Recovery Is Possible
The fellowship offered me a road back to humanity after living scared and alone for so long. It offered a gentle, steady guide on how to live free, one day at a time, toward addiction recovery. More than anything, it showed me that my higher power lives in other people, and that they need me as much as I need them. Addiction recovery is possible.
You are not alone. If you are ready to find freedom, please reach out. Addiction recovery is available at Scottsdale Providence Recovery Center.