Growing up with a parent who struggles with alcohol isnโt something most people talk about โ not as kids, and often not even as adults. But if you were raised like many children of alcoholics, you know the feeling: always on edge, unsure of what version of your parent youโd get. One minute might be calm. The next unpredictable or scary.
As a kid, you adapt. You get good at reading moods. You learn how to stay small, stay quiet, or take care of everything โ even when itโs way too much for someone your age. You do what you have to do to survive.
For children of alcoholics, this kind of childhood can feel normal at the time. But it often leaves lasting scars that follow you into adulthood, shaping how you think, how you connect, and how you care for yourself.
What Itโs Like to Grow Up with an Alcoholic Parent
When a parent struggles with alcohol, the whole house often revolves around their behavior. One parent may drink, the other may cover it up, and the kids are left trying to make sense of it all. Whether the drinking was loud and messy or quiet and hidden, the result is often the same: emotional confusion, chaos, and a lack of safety.
Children of alcoholics often feel like they have to take care of their parents or everyone else in the house. You mightโve worked hard to be โperfect,โ thinking it could keep things calm. You may have learned to disappear, act out, or try to make people laugh to lighten the mood.
You might also have found yourself constantly seeking approval, because deep down, it felt like love was something you had to earn. All of these survival strategies made sense when to children of alcoholics. But now, they might be getting in your way.
The Roles Kids Take On
In homes where thereโs addiction or dysfunction, kids often fall into roles โ not on purpose, but as a way to cope. Some children of alcoholics become the โhero,โ taking on responsibility and trying to hold everything together. Others act out, become invisible, or use humor to defuse tension.
Whatever role you played probably helped you feel a little more in control back then. But now, as an adult, those same patterns might show up in ways you donโt want โ especially in your relationships, work, or self-worth.
Many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) say they feel anxious, emotionally shut down, or like theyโre constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop โ even when nothingโs wrong.
How It Affects You Later
Even if the drinking stopped years ago, the impact usually doesnโt. Growing up in a dysfunctional family leaves its mark. You might find yourself:
- Struggling to trust people or open up emotionally
- Feeling like everything is your responsibility
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Chasing approval but never feeling โgood enoughโ
- Getting into relationships that feel chaotic or unbalanced
- Battling anxiety, depression, or even substance use issues of your own
You may not even realize some of these patterns come from your childhood until something breaks down or you hit a wall emotionally. And then suddenly, it all starts to make sense.
You’re Not the Problem
Hereโs what we want you to know: thereโs nothing wrong with you for still feeling the effects of how you were raised. The way you learned to survive was smart โ even if it doesnโt serve you now.
That part of you thatโs exhausted, disconnected, or confused? Thatโs a part that never got to feel safe. Youโre not broken. Youโre carrying pain that never got seen or cared for.
And thereโs a way to start letting that go.
What Healing Can Look Like
For many adult children of alcoholics, healing means learning how to feel safe again โ in your body, in your relationships, and yourself. It can take time, but itโs possible.
Support might look like:
- Talking to a therapist who gets it
- Learning how to set boundaries and speak your truth
- Releasing the need to fix everything or make everyone happy
- Finding people whoโve lived through it too
A lot of people also find comfort in support groups, like Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). Itโs a free, 12-step program where you can connect with others who know what itโs like to grow up in a home affected by addiction. You can learn more or find a meeting at adultchildren.org.
And if you’re not sure where to start, that’s okay too. You donโt need to have all the answers โ just a willingness to be honest about whatโs not working anymore.
You Deserve Support
If youโre an adult child of an alcoholic, and youโre still feeling the weight of that experience, itโs not your fault, and you donโt have to carry it alone. Whether you’re struggling with relationships, anxiety, or your substance abuse challenges, help is out there.
Reach out to us here if youโre looking for compassionate, trauma-informed care. Weโre not here to fix you โ weโre here to support you, wherever you are in the process.